Exchange: Losing and Finding
by kakashidiot
Summary: Roy Mustang, as he duels the Fullmetal Alchemist, considers life and what the cost is to regain it. RandR.


I don't own Full Metal Alchemist – but I do love Mustang! (sigh!)

This is my first FMA fic - after watching only 18 episodes - so I hope you'll forgive any OOC-ness!

Mustang POV!

Read and review, thanks!

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Exchange: Losing and Finding

_A life is a life is a life._

That's something the Ishabal – well… one can hardly call it an 'incident' – taught me.

_A life is a life – and it's priceless._

Ed-kun always talks about the ultimate law of alchemy –

To gain something, you must lose something of equal value.

_It is always a matter of counting the cost._

_Is it worth it?_

_Was it worth it?_

Watching Elric-kun scampering around the parade ground, suddenly losing all bravery in the face of my fire techniques –

Finding myself at the point of his blade –

Looking down on his hunched shoulders – helpless –

I wondered.

_This is what it means to be a soldier, Elric-kun –_

I keep on saying this – yet –

Gazing down on him – what did I see?

Not his earnest, sweating face, his blonde hair and hard gold-brown eyes –

Not the city blocks, full of strife –

Full of life – full of people –

Erupting in giant explosions of flame.

No.

I saw desperation.

Desperation, do you know, is a young woman with brown skin, red eyes and beautiful brown hair tied back –

Desperation is beautiful.

Is a beauty –

It was a beautiful woman.

_She shouldn't be here_, I had thought. _She should be on my arm, entering a dance party. Her red eyes should be filled with flames of passion – not – not –_

_Not this – fear, hate – _

Her hands shaking as they slowly inch upward – finger quivering on the gun's trigger –

_I don't want to do this –_

But I can't tell her this. The soldier in me – the gain, doesn't allow it – and so I survive.

Yet again.

And she doesn't.

Nether does the man of honor in me – the cost –

That is what I cannot tell him – resting there on a piece of rubble after our short duel – in the glow of the red-orange sunset, enveloping everything with a soft feel –

I cannot say –

_A life is a life is a life?_

_There is a cost to everything – including yourself?_

What could I say?

_Is it right to disillusion one so young? With so much hopes for healing?_

_You remind me of what I lost –_

Innocence is too cliché – honor, then?

_You remind me of a moment when I lost something I don't know I'll ever regain…_

So I don't answer but yet give my curious subordinate something else –

His questions on the only person who left to find himself again – Dr. Marco – I give him that.

As I watch him walk away under the pale rays of the moon, our work now done – with an empty suit of armor and the fragile soul of his brother – I realize –

_Perhaps –_

_Perhaps – yes – he already knows – the pain of loss and gain –_

_This journey, he knows will take from him just as he attempts to gain what he has lost –_

_Perhaps he has gained the secret to move on –_

"What, Colonel?" asked a voice at my elbow.

"Eh?" I ask trying to cover my small jump of surprise. "What?"

"You said something – about a secret –"

She held out my over coat, I took it with a nod of thanks and donned it silently.

"Let's get a drink," I said.

"Colonel! No drinking while –"

"Whatever… let's go."

"Ahhh…. Why do I have to have a leader like this?" she mumbles behind me as she dutifully follows.

I turn to her in thought.

"I don't know. Why? You could leave…"

My blonde subordinate turned a slight pink –

_Outrage?_

"Well… no… that is – I just can't leave you alone – the things you get yourself into –"

"Eh heh heh…and here I thought it was my charm!"

"Don't pat yourself so hard you fall over…"

"So cold…"

There is a short silence, already I'm thinking of the ten thousand things I have to do tomorrow.

"I guess it's because underneath all those stupid ideas of yours –" her voice timidly proposes into the night.

"What? I don't have stupid ideas! Such disrespect!"

"The miniskirt idea? The free beer day idea?"

"Uhhh… those are –" I sputter trying to remember my justification at that point in time – unsuccessfully.

"Anyway – those aside, I think – I think we see in you a hope for something…"

She paused as we stopped in front of the bar's door.

"That's all, sir," she ended rather lamely.

Unsure.

I smile.

"That's okay, Hawkeye. It's natural to be speechless at the sight of genius –"  
She smacked herself on her forehead.

"Why do I even try?"

"But, thanks for the encouragement," I turn the knob to enter. "It's good to know that I'm on the right path –"

"The right path?"

"To finding –"

"What?"

I never answer.

_To finding –_

Myself.


End file.
